" Not all who wander are lost."

10.22.2010

Day 3 and it's a long one!

Something you have to forgive yourself for....

As I explained in day 1, I beat myself up for everything. If I make a mistake, I hardly ever let it go. Unfortunately, I have no juicy secret to reveal for you today. I have never committed a felony (that I know of) and have only been in trouble with the law once, but that's a funny story for another blog. I have never beat anyone physically and don't really have a violent bone in my body. By most accounts, I am a pretty "good" girl. Sure I indulge in the occasional adult activity and know how to have a good time, but nothing that requires forgiveness.

There is this one thing I am hardest on myself for. One monkey on my back that I have carried since age 10. The one thing I can only blame myself for... I'm fat. I have never been stick thin and that's not how my body is built, but I have let myself get out of control. This started early in my life and I never truly gained control over it. I am the biggest klutz on the planet, so playing sports was never my thing. I am super creative and have always loved to cook and taste new creations. I also comfort eat, which does not help me any. I have lost serious weight in the past, but somehow it creeps back on. I can not blame a pregnancy (4+ years ago) because I lost all the baby lbs within 2 weeks of delivering sweet H. I know my body has been changed by mother hood, and for that I am proud, but I am not in the body I deserve right now.

It's my fault. I feel bad about it daily, but somehow I must learn to move past mistakes and start fresh. Everytime I hit the Y, I catch myself contemplating how I've done this before and will somehow sabotage my efforts this time as well. Each time I eat a calorie rich treat I think, "might as well, I'll fail anyway, just like last time!"

Today I am having a stern chat with myself. I must forgive the me of years past for misusing this body. It is not destroyed, and I am certainly young enough to focus and get it into the shape it deserves now. God has created each of us in His perfect image, and it's high time I begin to reflect that outwardly. It's time to let go of those mistakes and start fresh.

Cheesy I know, but I am writing myself a letter. In keeping with pure honesty, I will publish it as well...

Dear Abby,
I forgive you for not taking the time to keep me in shape. I know life gets in the way and others take priority over self. I understand that we have been down a long emotional road together, and I am not always your first priority. I accept your apology.
I have carried you for almost 29 years. I am strong and capable of greatness. I have taken you scuba diving, rappelling, and climbing. I walked 60 miles for you, 2 years in a row to raise money to find a cure for breast cancer. We have spent late nights dancing and experienced great romance together. I carried your child safely until she was ready to enter the world. Please take the time to treat me right. You have no idea what great things are ahead for us. You have got to take better care of me to be able to continue our many adventures together. Lets move forward from here. You WILL be amazed at what we can do.
-Your Body

Ok.... I said it. Friends, you may have to remind me that I have let this go. Whether I lose another pound or not, I have forgiven myself for mistreating my body in the past. I can do nothing more than move forward from here and "let it go".

3 comments:

bob said...

You are an ABSOLUTELY AWESOME individual and one that I am VERY proud of. I love you!

Falantedios said...

Fantastic writing - I'm so glad you've started telling your stories.

Jenn said...

I like that letter, Abby. And I sympathize!