" Not all who wander are lost."


Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for....

This will be kind of cryptic, and will likely be long as I really want to document what happened, forgive and let go.

Up until about 8th grade, I was bullied. Only once was I physically hurt by this, but somehow through 2 different schools and even family friends, I was always a target. I have never written this down and have struggled with these memories for a long while. Hopefully by telling the world the truth and forgiving those that hurt me, I will finally be able to let this one go too.

In 4th grade I started a new school. This was a place of mostly intelligent kids from very wealthy families. I did make a great, life long friend there.( If you are reading this, please know I consider you the best thing that came out of that place, even if we hardly ever talk :) and learned a lot academically. (basically, Dad you didn't waste all that money. I came out pretty smart)

I was always a big kid. I had my growth spurt in 3rd grade and was already my 5' 2" adult height by middle school. I was chubby, clumsy, had a bad perm, and dressed differently than the other kids. I remember very specific incidents of being teased. I remember a slumber party that I was the only girl not invited to. Then they called me from said party to remind me I was a loser. I remember being on a bus and hearing from the back "Abby, Abby your're so fat, you're so fat you ate my hat..." Once in gym class, a girl kicked me and pointed out to the class I "shook like jello". At a party in the 6th grade, one boy from this school just kicked me in the stomach. HARD! My friends didn't know and I tried to hide it. The other kids laughed and no adults were told, but I was bruised for weeks. This scarred me. Tainted my self image. I was a hormonal 10-12 year old who just wanted to be normal. It hurt me to the core. No one ever apologized, but I'm going to have to forgive anyway. They probably would never remember those cruel things, but I sure do.

In the 7th grade I switched schools (the previous school ended in 6th grade, thankfully!) There were 2 boys that tormented me that year. Actually they were my "friends" and one even was my first boyfriend. I was still my chubby self and damaged from the previous school. These boys had a very specific joke about me. They would say "I smell bacon" as I walked. They said I was so big my thighs rubbed together and smelled like bacon when I walked. They never apologized and we did become friends, but I never forgot those hateful comments either. Time to forgive them too. They are now grown men with kids of there own.

There is one final event that I lump in with the bullying. All happened around the same awful time in my life. There was a boy who did not go to school with me. A boy who didn't understand "no". This boy was a friend and I guess still is. I remember one specific night alone (I was 14) that it went waaayyyy too far. I really liked him and looked up to him. He was older, bigger and stronger than me. He knew I was weak and picked on and must have thought I'd be an easy target. Unfortunately, this boy helped seal in my negative body image. Made me feel like a physical relationship was a "dirty" thing. I still struggle with these memories today, and the truth is he probably doesn't even remember. I have held tightly to this memory and my anger surrounding it. For this, I am forgiving him. I have no choice. This is the hardest memory for me to be honest about, and I am hoping in doing so I will let it go.

I did not write this out for sympathy at all. In fact I do not want it. Everyone has a story and pain. This is mine. I have always internalized these things, thinking somehow it was my fault. I deserved it. As I grew up, I realized it wasn't my fault. Then came the anger at everyone. Unfortunately for Jason, this has affected out marriage without him even knowing. Today is the day I forgive. I will let go of all the anger best I can.

Long post. I know. I am a grown ass woman who is worthy of my place in life. I am not 13 anymore and am going to let go of that lost little girl. She has grown into a wife and mother that has got to forgive and move on! I have a young lady of my own and hopefully will be able to help her grow the self confidence I was lacking.

Ouch. painful. Deep Breath. Time to do something fun!
Happy Saturday


Natalie Donegan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pegfolly said...

Oh, Abby, you sweet dear! I love you so much and have ALWAYS thought you were very intelligent and funny and great, even when you were a kid and despite the fact we didn't see each other that much. It hurts to know you went through some of these things without my having a clue, not that I necessarily could have done anything ... although I'd like to take a big swat at a few unnamed folks!

It is amazing that you are doing this and being so honest, and I commend you for being braver than I think I'd be able to be. You have ALWAYS had such a head on your shoulders, been so sensible. Thank goodness you have starting to give yourself the credit you deserve for being such a fine person on so many levels, in so many respects.

I haven't read everything (other blogs) yet, just now "discovered" it all, but somehow I started off with this "hard one" (or at least it sure looks difficult). I've tried doing a blog also and am even taking a creative writing class down in Nashville on Wednesday nights (Scarritt Studio Class) to get myself doing what you're doing: writing something worthwhile that's meaningful! Maybe you can be my inspiration to get started again.

Love ya bunches, cuz junior!