" Not all who wander are lost."


Day 12

First off, hope you all have a safe and happy Halloween. Tinkerbell, Jason, and I will be celebrating family style tonight. Maybe I'll post a picture on here, just for the sake of cuteness ;)

Something you never get compliments on....

OK, please don't consider this "fishing for compliments." It was on the list and I am going to answer honestly.

I never get compliments on my appearance. Like ever. Not even from my parents when I was younger. I know my mom was trying to support my inner beauty, and appreciate that, but a "you look beautiful" once in a while would've been good. Not even on my WEDDING DAY! I remember one time a couple of years ago and older adult friend saw me dressed up at a party and responded with, "you know, you do actually have a pretty face..." Um, Ouch! Why say anything at all? I am not living my life so that I can be viewed as "pretty" (see day 8), but being told I am does still feel pretty good. Especially when I have made a great effort.

I do get compliments like: I love your haircut, outfit, necklace, etc... Every now and then it'd be nice to hear that I have beautiful eyes, smile, face, body, skin... You know, something I didn't buy at a store.

Even Jason is slow to compliment my looks. He'll likely be mad that I am posting this part, but I am being honest. It does hurt my feelings. He isn't mean to me, please don't think I'm saying that. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things he does compliment me on, my appearance just isn't one of them. Sometimes a good compliment goes a long way in boosting my self esteem. Me feeling beautiful can lead to more, well, married interaction :) Plus, he is really the only male opinion I am concerned with regarding my looks. I really want him to be happy with his decision of wife in all aspects. He'll be looking at me for the rest of his/ my life after all :)

I guess people just don't know how to deal with my level of beauty. I am not a sickly magazine model, I am a real woman and happy to be so.


Day 11

Something I often get compliments on...

This is tough for me. I don't really believe compliments, I just think people are trying to be nice or come up with something to fill a gap in conversation. There is nothing physically about me that ever gets complimented really, maybe my hair cut. I will keep this to tomorrows blog...

I do always get compliments on my cooking. I am a pretty good cook, and hardly ever use recipes. Everytime I make something for Jason, he raves over it. I am proud of my abilities, especially considering I'm not even 30. I think this makes me a pretty good house wife as well :) I am very creative at concocting recipes, and always come up with new flavors to try. I love to have dinner parties and cook for anyone who will taste.

Compliment my food, and I'll probably cook for you too, anytime you want.

Day 10

So I took a break yesterday. I just didn't feel like sharing this. I played with Hannah, made homemade tomato basil soup and pizza, and played the guitar. It was a very laid back, low tech kinda day for me. Sometimes I feel like I sit in front of some kind of flashy screen 24/7. I needed a break!

Day 10 is Someone you need to let go or wish you'd never met....

I will not use names in this, and really have already let this person go. He falls in the "I wish I'd never met" category.

A couple of years ago I got very involved in the life of a new in town employee, his new baby, and his cancer ridden wife. I have a bleeding heart, and will help anyone who needs it (this I love about my character). This family was new to Nashville, she had a c-section to deliver the baby and the surgeon discovered her body was consumed with cancer. Never did her "husband" ask for help in the beginning. I knew she was 30, new mom, 10 states away from home, and scared. I felt that she and I had a lot in common and wanted to do all I could to make Nashville a home for her. Immediately, I sprung into action. Within a week we had a stroller, video camera, baby clothes, and car seat for them. I had been to the hospital to visit my new friend, and held their sweet baby. She and I were having coffee about once a week. I knew she was dying and could not imagine how she felt knowing she was leaving behind a new baby. She had no girlfriends here and no family. I wanted to be there for her, and I was. This I will never regret. I was there when she was given her wig and felt like a real woman for a bit again, there for a few great nights out, watched her shoot a barrett 50 and grin ear to ear, and visited her in hospice to pray over her the day before she died. I loved her, her sweet baby, and learned so much from her great strength during her 6 month battle. It's the rest of the story that makes me wish I had never met her "husband".

He was a liar from the start. He told me they were married, until I went to the bank to set up a contribution account for them. He then had to confess they were in fact not husband and wife. He had crazy outbursts at work, which I thought were due to the great stress he was under, until I found out actually he was yelling at my sweet friend at home, and not helping with the baby. He was taking her pain meds. He was coming to work strung out!!! He repaid my kindness by lying to me and jeopardizing our family business.

I still had sympathy for him. She was dying, he had a new baby to raise, they had no home. My dad and I found them a cheap apartment near our office, cosigned for them, and negotiated a month to month lease rather than a long contract. I set out collecting supplies from anyone who would donate to help them start a home and make her comfortable. I had my friends sending her funny cards, and praying over her, over both of them. I was invested in their story and that sweet baby's future.

On July 12th, I got an email from him. She had passed away. He EMAILED me!!! Couldn't even call to tell me my friend had died. Then, he didn't show up to work for a week. He never had a funeral for her. I didn't ever get to say goodbye. He borrowed some money from the shop while he was out of work, never even offered to pay it back. He showed up at work a week later, strung out on drugs and physically threatening anyone around. I though my dad was going to have to kill him to get him out of the building. I knew he was going through a lot, and so wanted to believe he was a good, but confused, person.

Then the last straw.... He gave the baby up for adoption and sold off all the baby stuff I and so many of my friends had given them. He had promised her to raise their child, but just gave her away. I KNOW this was the best thing for the little girl. I pray she found a loving family. I am saddened to know she will never know what her brave mother went through to give her life. I have pictures of her, and will always include her in my prayers.

As far as "him".... I wish I had never met him. He made my life hell and taught me to be guarded. He made a fool of me for trying so hard to help someone in need. He burned me. Every time I think of helping someone, I remember his story. Not all people on this planet are "good", and now I remember that daily thanks to him. He has never tried to contact me, never said thank you, never nothing.... I found out long after that he was very abusive to her. It just breaks my heart, so much so that I can honestly say I wish I'd never met him! This story still haunts me.


Day 9

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted....

I have lots of friends who fit into this category. I believe that you never lose a friendship, no matter how much time and space is between you. I have many old friends I haven't seen in years, but think of very often. For the sake of this blog, I will pick one:

My very dear friend and DZ sister Melissa, I miss you. You were part of our family right after we married. You were there for our wedding, worked along side me at probably the toughest job ever, and listened to me vent. I was with you the day I found out my grandmother died, and you drove all the way to Nashville for the visitation. You not only walked 60 mile and shared a tent with me, but you did it TWICE! We shared many late nights, lazy weekend naps, cold walks, and random funny moments. You always know the best new books and movies out. I can't watch a Harry Potter without thinking of you! I don't think I would have made it through the crazy newly wed years without you to make me laugh. You have the most quirky and cool personality, and I miss it very much!

Moving away from you was the worst part of leaving Murfreesboro. I always knew you'd end up back home, and am so happy that you are finally near your family. I remember how much you missed them in college. I promised myself I would always take a fall weekend to go visit you, and did for the first few years, but then Hannah came along and I got busy. I never intended to let you drift out of my life, it just happened. I still love catching up with you on the phone whenever we get a chance, and promise to make the trip to see you before this year is over!

Hope you have a great Halloween weekend!


Day 8 and a Detour

Today's topic is supposed to be Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like shit....

After mentioning my bullies in a previous post and forgiving them, I am done with this topic. I do not keep people in my life who make it hell. I have no abusive family member or stalking ex. I am very selective about my friends and refuse to spend time with anyone who doesn't make my life better. I can quote Eleanor Roosevelt here, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." In my life now, I give no one permission to abuse me.

So, I choose to detour. A good friend and neighbor sent me this link last night:
You MUST watch it! It does contain a well placed curse word, so you may want to turn the volume down a bit at work.


I must have watched it about 20 times before I could stop and think about what I was witnessing. I am saving it for Hannah to watch as soon as she asks about being "pretty".

My life from age 10 through about 24 was focused on the quest for "pretty". All of my friendships seemed to center around boys, looking good for boys, or some expensive store in our local mall. We were just being "normal" girls back then. I was always concerned about my makeup, clothes, hair, and of course making sure that I looked as skinny as possible (even if this required the most damned uncomfortable undergarments one could imagine). I have tortured my feet and legs with high heels in effort to make my stubby legs look longer. If I thought is would make me "pretty", trust me I tried it. I was the only 12 year old who knew how to apply eyeliner perfectly. I owned and eyelash curler for goodness sakes.

My Mom was good about not pushing beauty on me. For me the pressure came from a grandmother, boy crazy friends, and my beloved teen magazine trash. TV and advertisements did not help either, and by 14 there was no escaping the grip the teeny bopper girl culture had on me. I was going to do whatever it took to fit in and be "pretty". I even tried a grunge phase just because it seemed to look good on other girls. I always tried to hide the fact that I was trying so hard to be "pretty", but trust me, it was always the first thing on my mind. Even in college, "image" was foremost for me.

Somehow I have managed to escape. I think it was motherhood that finally pushed me out of the vicious cycle. Sure I obsess over the occasional outfit, but once Hannah came into the world, I began a quest to teach her what beauty really is. Beauty is intelligence, common sense, humor and a life full of smiles. Beauty is sharing with a friend and helping a stranger. A beautiful woman has class and a great respect for her own body. Beauty is knowing who you are, Whose you are, and being a light because of it. I can honestly say my child is BEAUTIFUL! Sure she loves to play dress up, put on makeup, and tromp around in plastic heels. There is nothing wrong with girly, it's who she is. I have never put a value on this in her life, and never will.

The most beautiful women I know spend their days in goodwill clothes, no makeup, and old shoes. Their houses are lived in, and their kids are always running around with dirty faces and barefoot.They teach their daughters the simple joy found in life, and I am blessed to have them as incredible examples for my daughter as well. They know the joy you could never find in a perfectly applied face of makeup and curled lashes. They teach by example, not direct instruction. They know how to live and enjoy a simple life. These ladies find beauty in a campfire, good conversation, and cheap beer. They are more comfortable at an old bar than a fancy restaurant. They find pure joy in watching our kids play in a creek and collect acorns. They look beautiful sitting in a camp chairs, wearing pj's, and just enjoying a late night sky. These women are amazing. They are "pretty" intelligent, and "pretty" incredible for sure!

I will not name names because I believe they know who they are. I hope each of you is reading this. I am the baby of my group(s) of friends, and am learning more from you than you can imagine. For once in my life, I am finally in a comfortable place. I am not hiding who I am or concealing any "bad" habits. I am not scared someone may stop by my house and catch it unkempt (though for some reason I still feel the need to apologize if it's messy). I do not have to pretend to be Suzy homemaker or June Cleaver. I am learning that my own personality makes me unique and beautiful as well.

Because of this change of mind, I am able to very honestly blog without the fear of being judged. I have amazing friends who know me. I don't feel the need to try to become just like them, I can be my unique and quirky self. I can wear heels, converse, or cowboy boots and always fit right in. Like I said, I'm "pretty" blessed!

I hope all of the women in my life have found this kind of friendship. The freedom of just being yourself is incredible.I know many of you enjoy getting "gussied" up, and I know there is great fun in doing so. My prayer for everyone today if that you feel just as "pretty" in sweats as you do pearls. I hope each of you can look in the mirror and love what you see, without having to hide what you think are "flaws". I'm working on it...


Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for...

This is easy, and tough at the same time. It's a "which came first? The chicken or the egg?" scenario. My immediate answer to this question would be Hannah. Raising a daughter has been the greatest experience of my life. Colors are a little brighter and laughter much sweeter when she's around. I am constantly thinking about how I am living and setting an example for her. I have no idea how we celebrated holidays before her. This sweet child made us Santa, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy (and little known sheet fairy, if you've heard my latest stories). Hannah has brought so much joy and pride to my life. She has made me examine myself and forced me to find joy in even the most difficult situations. Becoming a mother is something I didn't know I wanted to do, until she arrived. Suddenly I became a dreamer, a fairy princess, a creator of cupcakes, a playmate, and most importantly a guide for her in life. I love living so much more because of her. I simply can not imagine life without her. It's impossible.

So, she's the "egg", but what about my "chicken"? (doesn't every man long to be called a chicken?) Jason and I have actually been together almost 12 years and have been married 7 1/2 years now. I could not even define my life without him. He is truly the other half of my heart and brain. Everything I do affects him and our life together. Without him, I would not be the mother to our sweet child (no explanation necessary, right ;). I can not sleep well without him next to me. He knows me better than I know myself. Our life has been so richly blessed, and I can not even begin to think of what it would be without him. Even when we are bickering and squabbling, in the back of my head I keep thinking about how I still wouldn't have it any other way. He has truly completed my personality, grounded my dreams and helped give them roots, provided a rational thought to my emotional tenancies, and given me the stable family I always dreamed of. Jason has made my (our) life worth living, and Hannah has made Jason and I's life so much sweeter.

How I pick one? I refuse. The family we have created has absolutely made my life worth living. (friends, you may want to remind me of this next time I am repairing a cut dog ear, or pouting through 6 football games:)

side note : This blogging thing is AWESOME! I am already feeling more open and less tied down to the past. I highly recommend each of you answer all these questions, even if you don't publish them. I happen to have lost all inhibitions and fear of judgment for what I am writing. I am who I am, and am really enjoying putting it in writing. I love the sweet comments and hopefully some of you are getting to know me better through this process. Anyone got tough questions they want to add to the 30 days? There are a few I may substitute, only because I feel like a 16 year old may have written this list (make a playlist for someone? wth.)


Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do...

I hope I never never ever have to be totally, physically dependent on another person. I have watched my Grandmother and Jason's become so sick they could not even life their head to eat. I have seen Alzheimer's attack both of my Grandmothers to the point they could not function at all. My sweet Mimi is not even similar to the person she was 5 years ago. I have prayed over several family members and one dear sweet friend that God grant them peace and entrance to His Kingdom. My amazingly strong mother in law is weakening by the day and it hurts my soul to watch that strong (and stubborn :) woman have to lose her independence.

Dying is a part of life I have never been afraid of. I am not afraid to die. I am afraid to die slowly. I NEVER want to have to surrender my driver's license; Never want to have Jason or Hannah have to feed and change me; Never want my mind to die and leave behind a weak shell of me to be cared for until my body finally gives in. I NEVER want to be a burden on someone else, and I don't want those closest to me to remember me as such. I hope I never have to lose my independence, because I know that will mean mean ole me making everyone around me miserable!


Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life....

This one is much less emotional for me (hooray!). There are lots of things I'd love to see Hannah achieve. I could fill a whole page with my dreams for her. I think every mother would love to see her child graduate college, marry and have kids of his/ her own, and just generally live the life they are destined for and be ear to ear grinnin' happy. Since this blog is about me though, I will pick something for just me. There is a long list of things I want to do. For the sake of this blog and anyone who may be reading it, I'll pick only one; one something very unique about me.

I hope to get to build a house. I know a lot about this subject. I have watched my parents build one, though we only got to live there a few short years. I have helped MANY clients make selections and lay out their dream houses. Recently I even got to design and draw and entire new house for a flood victim. I have a layout in my head that I love. I want to do all my own designing (with Jason of course), and build a dream house for our unique little family. One that is tailored to fit our needs and loves. A place to entertain adults and kiddos alike. A house the oozes Dodsoness as soon as you see it!

It would have to be in Pegram, or very close. We LOVE our neighborhood and have them best neighbors one could ever dream of . Don't get me wrong, I do really like the house we are in now. We have done a lot of remodeling in it in the past 6 years. I'd be ok if we stayed here for the rest of our lives (or until our knees couldn't handle the steps anymore), but I would LOVE to see my vision for a whole house come to reality. It's something I have dreamed about since I started working at the shop part time (at 13 years old!).

Maybe I'll pursue my dream of getting my contractor's license. Then I could help others be able to build their dreams, and hopefully make enough money to one day build ours!

*Unrelated Sidebar: I am attempting to write without agonizing over the grammaticality of it all. I know I am misusing some punctuation, writing run-ons and incomplete sentences, and generally committing all the writing sins I was educated to avoid. I am sure there are plenty of typos and misspellings hidden on this page. This is my attempt at stream of consciousness writing. I am trying to be brutally honest in content and avoid my obsession over perfect wording. If you have ever taught me English and are reading this, please know I didn't forget it all! I can write a professional document like nobody's business. I am just working on finding my personal writing style and voice as well.


Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for....

This will be kind of cryptic, and will likely be long as I really want to document what happened, forgive and let go.

Up until about 8th grade, I was bullied. Only once was I physically hurt by this, but somehow through 2 different schools and even family friends, I was always a target. I have never written this down and have struggled with these memories for a long while. Hopefully by telling the world the truth and forgiving those that hurt me, I will finally be able to let this one go too.

In 4th grade I started a new school. This was a place of mostly intelligent kids from very wealthy families. I did make a great, life long friend there.( If you are reading this, please know I consider you the best thing that came out of that place, even if we hardly ever talk :) and learned a lot academically. (basically, Dad you didn't waste all that money. I came out pretty smart)

I was always a big kid. I had my growth spurt in 3rd grade and was already my 5' 2" adult height by middle school. I was chubby, clumsy, had a bad perm, and dressed differently than the other kids. I remember very specific incidents of being teased. I remember a slumber party that I was the only girl not invited to. Then they called me from said party to remind me I was a loser. I remember being on a bus and hearing from the back "Abby, Abby your're so fat, you're so fat you ate my hat..." Once in gym class, a girl kicked me and pointed out to the class I "shook like jello". At a party in the 6th grade, one boy from this school just kicked me in the stomach. HARD! My friends didn't know and I tried to hide it. The other kids laughed and no adults were told, but I was bruised for weeks. This scarred me. Tainted my self image. I was a hormonal 10-12 year old who just wanted to be normal. It hurt me to the core. No one ever apologized, but I'm going to have to forgive anyway. They probably would never remember those cruel things, but I sure do.

In the 7th grade I switched schools (the previous school ended in 6th grade, thankfully!) There were 2 boys that tormented me that year. Actually they were my "friends" and one even was my first boyfriend. I was still my chubby self and damaged from the previous school. These boys had a very specific joke about me. They would say "I smell bacon" as I walked. They said I was so big my thighs rubbed together and smelled like bacon when I walked. They never apologized and we did become friends, but I never forgot those hateful comments either. Time to forgive them too. They are now grown men with kids of there own.

There is one final event that I lump in with the bullying. All happened around the same awful time in my life. There was a boy who did not go to school with me. A boy who didn't understand "no". This boy was a friend and I guess still is. I remember one specific night alone (I was 14) that it went waaayyyy too far. I really liked him and looked up to him. He was older, bigger and stronger than me. He knew I was weak and picked on and must have thought I'd be an easy target. Unfortunately, this boy helped seal in my negative body image. Made me feel like a physical relationship was a "dirty" thing. I still struggle with these memories today, and the truth is he probably doesn't even remember. I have held tightly to this memory and my anger surrounding it. For this, I am forgiving him. I have no choice. This is the hardest memory for me to be honest about, and I am hoping in doing so I will let it go.

I did not write this out for sympathy at all. In fact I do not want it. Everyone has a story and pain. This is mine. I have always internalized these things, thinking somehow it was my fault. I deserved it. As I grew up, I realized it wasn't my fault. Then came the anger at everyone. Unfortunately for Jason, this has affected out marriage without him even knowing. Today is the day I forgive. I will let go of all the anger best I can.

Long post. I know. I am a grown ass woman who is worthy of my place in life. I am not 13 anymore and am going to let go of that lost little girl. She has grown into a wife and mother that has got to forgive and move on! I have a young lady of my own and hopefully will be able to help her grow the self confidence I was lacking.

Ouch. painful. Deep Breath. Time to do something fun!
Happy Saturday


Day 3 and it's a long one!

Something you have to forgive yourself for....

As I explained in day 1, I beat myself up for everything. If I make a mistake, I hardly ever let it go. Unfortunately, I have no juicy secret to reveal for you today. I have never committed a felony (that I know of) and have only been in trouble with the law once, but that's a funny story for another blog. I have never beat anyone physically and don't really have a violent bone in my body. By most accounts, I am a pretty "good" girl. Sure I indulge in the occasional adult activity and know how to have a good time, but nothing that requires forgiveness.

There is this one thing I am hardest on myself for. One monkey on my back that I have carried since age 10. The one thing I can only blame myself for... I'm fat. I have never been stick thin and that's not how my body is built, but I have let myself get out of control. This started early in my life and I never truly gained control over it. I am the biggest klutz on the planet, so playing sports was never my thing. I am super creative and have always loved to cook and taste new creations. I also comfort eat, which does not help me any. I have lost serious weight in the past, but somehow it creeps back on. I can not blame a pregnancy (4+ years ago) because I lost all the baby lbs within 2 weeks of delivering sweet H. I know my body has been changed by mother hood, and for that I am proud, but I am not in the body I deserve right now.

It's my fault. I feel bad about it daily, but somehow I must learn to move past mistakes and start fresh. Everytime I hit the Y, I catch myself contemplating how I've done this before and will somehow sabotage my efforts this time as well. Each time I eat a calorie rich treat I think, "might as well, I'll fail anyway, just like last time!"

Today I am having a stern chat with myself. I must forgive the me of years past for misusing this body. It is not destroyed, and I am certainly young enough to focus and get it into the shape it deserves now. God has created each of us in His perfect image, and it's high time I begin to reflect that outwardly. It's time to let go of those mistakes and start fresh.

Cheesy I know, but I am writing myself a letter. In keeping with pure honesty, I will publish it as well...

Dear Abby,
I forgive you for not taking the time to keep me in shape. I know life gets in the way and others take priority over self. I understand that we have been down a long emotional road together, and I am not always your first priority. I accept your apology.
I have carried you for almost 29 years. I am strong and capable of greatness. I have taken you scuba diving, rappelling, and climbing. I walked 60 miles for you, 2 years in a row to raise money to find a cure for breast cancer. We have spent late nights dancing and experienced great romance together. I carried your child safely until she was ready to enter the world. Please take the time to treat me right. You have no idea what great things are ahead for us. You have got to take better care of me to be able to continue our many adventures together. Lets move forward from here. You WILL be amazed at what we can do.
-Your Body

Ok.... I said it. Friends, you may have to remind me that I have let this go. Whether I lose another pound or not, I have forgiven myself for mistreating my body in the past. I can do nothing more than move forward from here and "let it go".


Day 2

Something I love about myself....

It's hard for me to speak of myself very positively, but since that's the assignment and something I need to work on, here goes:

I am hyper focused. I am proud of the fact that I possess the ability to set my sights on something I want and get it done. Ever worked on a project with me? Look out, because if you slow down I may steam roll you in effort to be sure the task is accomplished (if I have done this to you dear reader, I apologize).

This makes me good at my job. I can draw a very detailed kitchen or whole house in a day. I just sit and pluck away until, in my mind, it's perfect. No need for a break, I may lose focus. Phone ringing? Likely I will let it go to voice mail to maintain my focus. I do need to work on multi-tasking skills, but am proud of the fact that I can keep my focus. This also makes me good at remodeling. I am able to stay focused on a project and all its details from start to finish and am so proud of the ones we have done in our home over the past year.

I was always a good student for this reason. I did well in college because I spent my years at MTSU focused on graduation (well, there were a few worthy distractions). I could even sit through one of those horrid night classes without napping!

Recently I have been very proud of my focus in a new area. I am learning to play the guitar. I decided it was time to take up a hobby I love, just for me. I made my decision, found a great teacher and off I went. Lesson one: C, D, G. I went home and worked until my little fingers screamed, but I got it. Each week since I have committed to focusing on trying my best to perfect whatever the new thing is. I play for hours each day, but by the next lesson I'm (usually) ready to move on. 5 months later, I just played in a student "hoedown". I learned and played 20+ new songs. This would not have been possible for me without focus (well, and Steve. Thanks!) For me, it has been a great accomplishment to take the time to focus on a hobby I love.

So there... call it bragging if you want, but I am proud of myself and my ability to focus. Hopefully I'll be able to stay focused on keeping up with this blog.

30 Days to get started + Day 1

To get started I am going to take on a challenge. I fully intend to do each of these items as honestly as I can. I will change names to keep innocent (or not so innocent) parties anonymous. I am going to try to be a pure and honest in my answers as I can. Want to join me in these 30 days?

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself!

So Day 1: Something I hate about myself

Do I have to pick just one thing? I am very good at beating myself up over any character flaw or imperfection. VERY GOOD to the point that I just don't know how to let things go and move on. I hate my body, my weight, my hair, my teeth, my stubbornness, my emotional outbursts, lack of patience, mood swings, lack of self confidence, the fact that I snore... this could be a long list, but most of all I HATE that I can not just let these things go. I could enjoy friendships, family, marriage, and myself SO much more if I could master one phrase "Let it GO!"

Ever had a disagreement with me? Chances are I have played it over and over in my head until every possible outcome has been analyzed. Should I pray about it, apologize or discuss and let it go? ABSOLUTELY! Do I possess the ability to do this, Hell No. What may seem so minor to you becomes a week of worry to me.

Ever been flipped off by a stranger who dislikes your driving choices? Most people laugh and let it go. Not me, I worry about what I could have done differently.

Pants a bit too tight today? Put on different ones and move on, right? Not me... I wonder what the last thing I ate was and then beat myself up over doing so.

So the biggest thing I hate about me? My inability to Let anything go.

How do I work on this? I have no clue. I pray about it first. I try deep breaths, a glass of wine, playing guitar, watching TV, working out... anything to distract my mind from the horrid loop of over analyzing...

That's it for today, my entrance into the world of blogging and a very honest truth outed.


Hoppin' on board....

My first blog....

I am staring at an almost blank text box, wondering if anyone even cares what I may have to say. I have always loved to write and journal, and must say I read many of my friends blogs and really enjoy the insight and funny stories from their daily lives. I have often thought of blogging my journey through motherhood, complete with pictures of Hannah's cutest moments (you may still see these here, no one is immune to her cuteness!). I have considered blogging recipes and my love of cooking, or even documenting my attempts at diet and weight loss. Though I love these ideas, I have decided to do this blog for myself. I am going to commit to writing about me, my hobbies, my interests, my successes and failures and hopefully in doing this come to find a greater love and appreciation for myself and the gifts God has given me to use.

I think so many women (myself included) get so lost in being a Mom, wife, house keeper, employee, friend, chauffeur (and the list goes on) that they somehow completely lose themselves. After the May monsoon and flood, I began to think of what would be left of me if all my stuff was washed away. What if I had no house, no car, no clothes, no kitchen? What if our office had washed away and I had no job? What if something had happened to my family (horrible thought I know)? Who would I be? What would I do?

I am a Christian woman and know the canned answers to all of these questions... GOD is in Control. He would care for me. He has a perfect plan.... This I do know for sure. I can't help but believe that God wants us to make decisions about our lives, our day to day. He blessed each of us with such unique personalities and interests... But what are mine? I started making a mental list of who I think "Abby" is and it came out as a grocery list of hats I wear, none that I feel are really exactly my style.

I want to document this time in my life. Hopefully somewhere in here my true personality can begin to shine. The next time I get lost in the routine of life I want to come back here, read about things I love and enjoy and be able to find myself once again. I want Hannah to know what my life was like as a young mother and wife. I want her to get a sense of who I am as a person someday. Surely some of you out there reading this can relate, right?

So I'm off.... Though I am not a high tech type of gal, I will try to add pictures, fancy up the blog, and make this journey interesting for those of you who are still reading at this point.

Life's too short to have a bad day, so be sure to find joy in this one!